If All Dogs Are Good, Truly None Are Good

If All Dogs Are Good, Truly None Are Good

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LOS ANGELES - Neighborhood dog philosopher, Dogrates, announced stumbling upon a groundbreaking theory wherein if all dogs are “good dogs,” then truly none are, he confirmed.

“I am constantly called a ‘good boy,’ like every other dog, but if the word is overused as it is, wouldn’t that overuse render it meaningless?” Dogrates posited. “If all dogs are good, the measurement loses meaning, as measurement systems are meant to compare degrees, not simply confirm equal levels of something. If all dogs are good, then no dogs are good. Henceforth, we’re all just dogs.”

Though many disagree, there were several throughout the neighborhood that showed support for the hypothesis.

“Yeah, I agree, he’s totally right, no dogs are good,” commented neighborhood cat, Catistotle. “In fact, I might go so far as to say all dogs are the worst. They should be gone. I hate them all. Just like humans. Just like basically everything ever.”

“Consider this,” Dogrates chimed back in. “On the one hand, take Mikhail, a Siberian Husky who risks his life every day to rescue mountain climbers that have fallen in the snow. That, I think we can all agree, is a good boy. But then, here we have Fiona, a young Shiba Inu who has received every advantage in life - wet food, a sparkly collar, couch privileges - and yet spends her days chewing up her owner's throw pillows. How, in a just world, can we say these two dogs deserve the same reward? How are they both the same label of good? Something needs to change!”

After dismounting his non-existent soapbox, Dogrates’ owner petted his head and called him a “good boy,” and Dogrates instantly took back the entire theory.

Article by Andy Holt - @iamandyholt

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