Mailman Prevented from Burglarizing Home for 2,500th Consecutive Day
CHICAGO - A milestone was reached yesterday afternoon as Snacks, a nine-year-old Dachshund, successfully prevented the United States Postal Service from committing a home invasion against the Wajowski family for the 2,500th consecutive day.
The historic incident played out much like it had for the past 2,499 days.
The post office Jeep announced its pending advance with the sudden arrival of its ceremonial squeaky brakes. The evil post office worker again approached the Wajowski’s front door in hopes of making entry into the presumed empty home. Snacks, upon hearing a rattling at the front door, awoke from a dead slumber and bolted into action.
“I woke up and I thought to myself like I do every day except for Sundays, ‘not on my watch, you son of a bitch,’” Snacks said. “I made it clear that beyond this dead-bolted door you will not pass or you will face dire consequences. He left.”
The milestone was marked with little fanfare as Snacks sniffed the bottom of the front door, jumped up on the couch, and took a nap, until the humans came home and told him to get off the damn couch.
“It’s like [the stupid humans] have no idea what I do for this family on a daily basis except for Sundays,” Snacks added. “One day they were here during an attempted robbery. They sat on their asses and laughed at me.”
While not appreciated by the Wajowski family, Snacks efforts serve as an inspiration to neighborhood dogs.
“Usually I just haul ass for under the bed and then let out a tepid series of gruffs and woofs,” commented Penny, a four-year-old Poodle mix who lives down the street. “Now that I think about it, that works. I’ve also fended off countless assaults on our pack too. How about that? Maybe I have some Snacks in me too. Good girl, Penny. Good girl.”
As of press time, the United States Postal Service announced plans to continue its attempts to breach the Wajowski residence until their funding finally gets cut for good.
Article by Bobby D. Lux - @bobbydlux