Dog Eats Shiny Valueless Ring
NEW YORK - Freddie, a neighborhood dalmatian, ate a ring with a shiny stone attached to it, found in owner John Sadler’s sock drawer, sources confirm.
“It’s in a box, hidden away, in his sock drawer,” Freddie began explaining. “If it was of any value, why would he hide it from his girlfriend of nine years? Clearly he’s embarrassed by it. I can see why too, it tasted horrible, and has been hurting my insides ever since I ate it.”
Sadler’s long time significant other, Emily Rosa, knew nothing of the ring, but had suspicions of such an object being kept from her.
“He called my father the other day,” Rosa mentioned. “Then he made reservations at the Water Club, and told me to wear something super fancy. He never asks me to dress up, but like, he said he wanted to go all out tonight.”
After discovering Freddie ate the clearly valueless, ill-tasting, shiny dog food, Sadler entered a state of panic beyond anything witnessed in the apartment previously.
“He was freaking out,” Freddie chimed in again. “I don’t know why, but he started feeding me just a ton of this weird milk stuff, and something that looked like chocolate but isn’t chocolate, and like some weird powdery drink that I’m pretty sure he made incorrectly. Then he took me outside, and we went for a seven and a half hour walk. It was actually a really great time, aside from his constant shouting obscenities at my belly; not sure what that was about.”
As the eighth hour of the walk approached and Freddie did his personal business, Sadler spent about a half hour on his knees sifting through said business with his bare hands, continuing to shout obscenities, this time into the pile of business.
Article by Louie Aronowitz - @louiearonowitz